Custody Rulings - The Great Pressure on Kids

By: Judy Harold

Unfortunately the damage done by the separation of a married couple is never restricted to two people. We all recognise nowadays that while parents may be suffering enormously, their kids are probably distressed most of all, and the more the parents grieve, the greater is the pressure on their kids.

Often disregarded in this cycle of damage though are the grandparents. They too have their relationship with their grandchildren threatened by the a relationship breakdown, and in their case it can be both a practical difficulty and a legal adversity to maintain the marriage!

The end of the bond between dad and mom should not need to mean the ending of the grandparent's connection with their grandchild. In fact, with the unique exception of cases where the grandparent relationship is being exploited by one of the parents for their own gain, it is always going to be in the best interest of the little ones for them to be able to continue their other significant associations, like that unique relationship with grandpa and grandma.

In courts across the world, it is not normally a legal alternative for a biological or adoptive grandparent to file for custody of their grandchildren, as the family court upholds that the best interest of the children are normally served by maximizing contact with their parents, providing that they have shown themselves willing and able to serve the child's best interests.

There are of course exceptions to this rule, and in cases where there is an indicator to suggest that the child is at risk of either physical or emotional abuse, the grandparents can take the initiative and file a suit, suing for custody! This is not the norm of course, even in appalling situations, as regularly it is the court itself that takes the initiative in bringing in the grandparents.

Actually, if mum and dad fail to show themselves dependable enough to manage custody of the little ones, the grandparents are generally the most likely persons approached by the court for custody. Otherwise, the family law court judge has to take into consideration other relations as potential custodians, especially where the parents of a child are dead or in jail.

These are of course the extreme possibilities - where grandparents are either taking custody of their grandchildren or are shut out of their lives altogether! In the greater number of cases, the grandparents simply have to go through similar difficulties to those of the non-custodial parent - working hard to to organise access times that fit in with the new situation, while simultaneously giving priority to their grandchildren's alienated parents!

The judge can of course order that a grandparent be given reasonable possession or access to a grandchild, but they will normally leave these arrangements to be worked out privately with the parents.
At the end of the day a grandparent is in an irreplaceable position to assist the grandchild through a grueling time and both mother and father need to comprehend this.

Indeed, nan and pop should work hard during a time of family break up to make themselves accessible to their children and children's children, while of course remaining careful to stay away from taking sides and letting their difficulties get passed on to any of the kids!
With any luck the time the children spend with grandma and grandpa will be time to rest and recover from the problems of their lives.